Okay, so recently I discovered something I do when I ask questions. I have several relationships with people who frequently ask "What do you mean by..." when I ask a question. This has always kind of stumped me, because I want them to understand what I'm saying, but to me the question often seems already self-explanatory. My brain translates "What do you mean by..." as, "I'm sorry, the words you're using are confusing to me. Please use other similar words to ask me the same question again in order for me to understand the words of the question." This has perplexed me, because the question often seems to use basic English which I know the person knows language wise, so I find synonyms for the words in the question and say it again. In actuality, it appears that the "What do you mean..?" is actually the other person asking for the PURPOSE behind my question - the root why/intention behind me asking that specific question. Every question has a purpose, and every question is used to accomplish something. If the other person knows what the underlying root goal of the question is they can help us reach the goal.
For example, I might ask, "Do you frequently enjoy spending time outside?" yet that question could mean (and by "mean" I am saying it could have the goal or intent to also answer one, or several, of the questions below):
"Do you have to spend some time outside each day for your emotional well-being?"
"Have you grown up spending time outside?"
"Do you like spending time outside so much that you would enjoy camping if we went?"
"Would you like to spend some time outside today? Possibly with me?"
"Is the weather outside today to your liking?"
etc, etc, etc...
So, when I ask questions to those people who are continually asking, "What do you mean by..." I don't need to just find synonyms for the words in the question I've already asked. I need to tell them what I'm trying to figure out or accomplish by asking the question (e.g. "I'm trying to figure out if you would like if I planned dates that involved spending a lot of time outside, like a picnic or hike." or "I'm trying to find out if your mood is significantly affected by whether the weather outside is nice and whether you've had the chance to spend time in that weather.")
Now that we're starting to understand that line of thinking, let me break down something about my own personality for you.
See, when I ask questions, the question often serves as an intersection, with multiple roads that can be taken from that intersection. I have an easier time clarifying a question/rephrasing if I know what specific road I'm wanting to go down and the goal. I have a much more difficult time, though, if I'm asking the question in part to see what road the other person would like to go down and I would be content with taking any of those conversation roads that stem from the question I asked. Not all my questions have a specific purpose (other than to get to know the person). Often I ask questions to just get to know the person better, to know what comes to mind when I phrase something a certain way or let them choose what conversation road they would like to take because I want to keep verbally walking along in some sort of conversation with them (yet may simply be enjoying their company and don't care what direction we go in as long as we walk together).
This is what I discovered yesterday, and I thought passing it along may help someone else as well.
If this way of asking questions was eye opening to you (or the fact that some people didn't understand this about asking questions) won't you let me know in the comments?
~ R
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