Sometimes I don't say things I want to say.
(I know, you may be thinking this is an obvious and potentially idiotic statement, but hear me out. Please.)
Sometimes I don't say things I want to say because the other person hasn't said enough for me to feel okay in talking more. I feel like in conversations half the time I am given a certain "quota" of words I can say, but in order to earn the ability to speak more words I have to get the other person to also use up their words. If the other person is a "word saver" and not a "word spender" then I may spend all my words and want to keep spending more words (a.k.a. talking more) but feel like I don't have permission to because the other person has not shared.
Granted, this concept is rooted in some truth. If one person talks all the time and the other doesn't share then you are not in a relationship - you may just be talking to a breathing wall. There isn't mutual sharing, just venting. For something to be alive and growing new things/ideas must be added - the proverbial pot must be stirred, the river must run - otherwise the whole thing gets stagnant and...yucky (yup, I used that word).
Also, if one person is sharing and being vulnerable, for the other person to not share makes me think that the other person either doesn't trust me, doesn't like me, or needs to process something (preferably alone from the looks of things). I normally try to think it's the latter because that's the most forgiving out of the three options (let me know in the comments if you know of other options I'm missing).
If I come back to the conversation later and find they still are unwilling to share, I assume they don't trust me. Okay, I can help some with this maybe. I try to be a little more open, a little more vulnerable, and share a little more. I want them to know me (just like I'm trying to get to know them) and I want them to see that they can trust me.
If, after all that I still find them closed off I start to question if they are just tolerating me. I know I'm trustworthy. I've made it clear that I'm making an effort to get to know and understand them. I have given them space to think. It could be, they just don't like me, or they would rather not open up to me. This is okay. I don't think everyone needs to like or open up to everyone else, but it does stop me from becoming more vulnerable with the person. Sooner or later I run out of words I'm allowed to spend and start going into word debt - which feels pretty terrible actually.
I recognize some people aren't open books (I actually like the more closed books), and I know that some people open up slowly (also something I like in a person). But there is a difference between opening up slowly and seeming like you are playing a game of "How much can I get the other person to say without me revealing anything about myself?" I have a problem with that. I don't want to get years into a friendship/relationship and wake up one morning to realize I've let the other person into the little back closet of my mental house while they've kept me in their formal living room and continued to point out the fact that they "let me in, didn't they?" I'm not content with formal living rooms. They are great for a time, but eventually I will want to move to other areas of the metaphorical mental house, just as I'm allowing them to do, and if no effort is made on their part I'm left wondering. I'm left wondering what they have to hide in the other rooms that they don't let people in, or do they let others in and just not me? If they let others in, what's going on with me or our relationship/friendship that keeps those spaces off limits to me? Can I do anything to help change that? Is this a temporary or permanent situation? And if it's permanent, what do I do next here?
Are you a "Word Saver" or a "Word Spender" normally? And do you find yourself in friendships where the other person is the opposite of you (a word spender/saver)? What do you do in conversations to help keep a good balance of mutual vulnerability? I'd love to hear from you.
~ R
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