What Do You Mean? (Not the Justin Bieber song...)

Okay, so recently I discovered something I do when I ask questions.  I have several relationships with people who frequently ask "What do you mean by..." when I ask a question.  This has always kind of stumped me, because I want them to understand what I'm saying, but to me the question often seems already self-explanatory.   My brain translates "What do you mean by..." as, "I'm sorry, the words you're using are confusing to me.   Please use other similar words to ask me the same question again in order for me to understand the words of the question."  This has perplexed me, because the question often seems to use basic English which I know the person knows language wise, so I find synonyms for the words in the question and say it again.  In actuality, it appears that the "What do you mean..?" is actually the other person asking for the PURPOSE behind my question - the root why/intention behind me asking that specific question.  Every question has a purpose, and every question is used to accomplish something.  If the other person knows what the underlying root goal of the question is they can help us reach the goal.

For example, I might ask, "Do you frequently enjoy spending time outside?" yet that question could mean (and by "mean" I am saying it could have the goal or intent to also answer one, or several, of the questions below):
"Do you have to spend some time outside each day for your emotional well-being?"
"Have you grown up spending time outside?"
"Do you like spending time outside so much that you would enjoy camping if we went?"
"Would you like to spend some time outside today?  Possibly with me?"
"Is the weather outside today to your liking?"
etc, etc, etc...

So, when I ask questions to those people who are continually asking, "What do you mean by..." I don't need to just find synonyms for the words in the question I've already asked.  I need to tell them what I'm trying to figure out or accomplish by asking the question (e.g. "I'm trying to figure out if you would like if I planned dates that involved spending a lot of time outside, like a picnic or hike." or "I'm trying to find out if your mood is significantly affected by whether the weather outside is nice and whether you've had the chance to spend time in that weather.")

Now that we're starting to understand that line of thinking, let me break down something about my own personality for you.
See, when I ask questions, the question often serves as an intersection, with multiple roads that can be taken from that intersection.  I have an easier time clarifying a question/rephrasing if I know what specific road I'm wanting to go down and the goal.  I have a much more difficult time, though, if I'm asking the question in part to see what road the other person would like to go down and I would be content with taking any of those conversation roads that stem from the question I asked.  Not all my questions have a specific purpose (other than to get to know the person).  Often I ask questions to just get to know the person better, to know what comes to mind when I phrase something a certain way or let them choose what conversation road they would like to take because I want to keep verbally walking along in some sort of conversation with them (yet may simply be enjoying their company and don't care what direction we go in as long as we walk together).

This is what I discovered yesterday, and I thought passing it along may help someone else as well.
If this way of asking questions was eye opening to you (or the fact that some people didn't understand this about asking questions) won't you let me know in the comments?

~ R

Vulnerability Pacing in Conversations - (The "Word Saver" vs. the "Word Spender")

Sometimes I don't say things I want to say.
(I know, you may be thinking this is an obvious and potentially idiotic statement, but hear me out.  Please.)

Sometimes I don't say things I want to say because the other person hasn't said enough for me to feel okay in talking more.  I feel like in conversations half the time I am given a certain "quota" of words I can say, but in order to earn the ability to speak more words I have to get the other person to also use up their words.  If the other person is a "word saver" and not a "word spender" then I may spend all my words and want to keep spending more words (a.k.a. talking more) but feel like I don't have permission to because the other person has not shared.

Granted, this concept is rooted in some truth.  If one person talks all the time and the other doesn't share then you are not in a relationship - you may just be talking to a breathing wall.  There isn't mutual sharing, just venting.  For something to be alive and growing new things/ideas must be added - the proverbial pot must be stirred, the river must run - otherwise the whole thing gets stagnant and...yucky (yup, I used that word).

Also, if one person is sharing and being vulnerable, for the other person to not share makes me think that the other person either doesn't trust me, doesn't like me, or needs to process something (preferably alone from the looks of things).  I normally try to think it's the latter because that's the most forgiving out of the three options (let me know in the comments if you know of other options I'm missing).

If I come back to the conversation later and find they still are unwilling to share, I assume they don't trust me.  Okay, I can help some with this maybe.  I try to be a little more open, a little more vulnerable, and share a little more.  I want them to know me (just like I'm trying to get to know them) and I want them to see that they can trust me.

If, after all that I still find them closed off I start to question if they are just tolerating me.  I know I'm trustworthy.  I've made it clear that I'm making an effort to get to know and understand them.  I have given them space to think.  It could be, they just don't like me, or they would rather not open up to me.  This is okay.  I don't think everyone needs to like or open up to everyone else, but it does stop me from becoming more vulnerable with the person.  Sooner or later I run out of words I'm allowed to spend and start going into word debt - which feels pretty terrible actually.

I recognize some people aren't open books (I actually like the more closed books), and I know that some people open up slowly (also something I like in a person).  But there is a difference between opening up slowly and seeming like you are playing a game of "How much can I get the other person to say without me revealing anything about myself?"  I have a problem with that.  I don't want to get years into a friendship/relationship and wake up one morning to realize I've let the other person into the little back closet of my mental house while they've kept me in their formal living room and continued to point out the fact that they "let me in, didn't they?"  I'm not content with formal living rooms.  They are great for a time, but eventually I will want to move to other areas of the metaphorical mental house, just as I'm allowing them to do, and if no effort is made on their part I'm left wondering.  I'm left wondering what they have to hide in the other rooms that they don't let people in, or do they let others in and just not me?  If they let others in, what's going on with me or our relationship/friendship that keeps those spaces off limits to me?  Can I do anything to help change that?  Is this a temporary or permanent situation?  And if it's permanent, what do I do next here?

Are you a "Word Saver" or a "Word Spender" normally?  And do you find yourself in friendships where the other person is the opposite of you (a word spender/saver)?  What do you do in conversations to help keep a good balance of mutual vulnerability?  I'd love to hear from you.

~ R

Bookbinder in My Brain

I love books.  Anyone who knows me even a minuscule bit knows this.
I also love metaphors.
So, there's this.

Last night, when I was talking with my BF and was gently teased for my inability to form a concise (and clear) question, I found myself attempting to get to the bottom of the strange phenomenon of verbal vomit (in the best sense) I seem to have whenever I am truly getting close to someone.  You see, I am not usually a talkative person.  Frequently, I have slowly gotten to know someone and had them turn incredulously to me after a period of "verbal vomit" and exclaim, "WOW!  I never would have known you were secretly talkative!"  It's a phenomenon that I struggle with because I usually come across as shy and un-talkative because I often refine things in my brain a lot before allowing the words to come out of my mouth.  But, when I've known someone for a while, and they've shown me I can trust them, I might decide to let them into the messy inner workings of my Brain Bookbinding Factory.

(Relevant Side Tangent)
  As a child, I once went to this book binding factory.  Before going into the factory we saw the finished products, all neatly lined up, cleaned up, and ready to read in their clearly packaged casings.  Inside the factory, things were a little bit...messy.  Between lung fulls of paper dust (which is unlike pixie dust and did not result in any flying on my part) we observed the employees cutting, gluing, tossing, and re-cutting books in the making.  It was noisy. Messy.  And I loved it.

My brain seems to work like that factory a lot.  I tend to have polished thoughts out front for those I don't know well.  I boil things down, reorder, cut, and scrap my thoughts until they are in the most easily presented and digestible form.

Those who get to know me well may feel like I'm getting lazy on them, just spurting out whatever comes to mind without fully thinking it all through and grinding it down to it's most palatable and understandable form. No, and yes.

No, I'm not getting lazy on you through the comfort of the closer relationship.
Yes, the words I spit out of my mouth are not as neatly packaged.
Why?
Because you've been given a special ticket to come into the messy inner workings of the Bookbinder In My Brain.  I TRUST YOU WITH MY MESSY AND UNREFINED THOUGHTS.  That's a pretty big step for me.  For some people, there is a regular field trip going on of people making their way through their Brain Bookbinder (which I often admire about those people).  For me...well I think less than 5 people have ever gotten that tour.

Does this show a lack of trust?  Possibly.

But it also means I want those who get tickets to a tour to understand how absolutely special they are to me - not that I have placed less value in the relationship and no longer feel the need to think questions through before asking them.

I realize that sometimes the messy thoughts can cause frustration.
They're not fully formed.
They can change.
They may even be more blunt or worded confusingly.

But it's my best effort at showing someone that I truly trust them.

Trust them enough to not judge those thoughts as the end results, to help me in forming those thoughts and refining them, to hear me out in my long-form with out prematurely judging me or attempting to choose what the end product will look like.  To me - one who usually likes to think things through...then think them through a few more hundred times before any words make it out of my mouth - letting you hear the thoughts in my head AS THEY FORM is one of the scariest things I will do on the journey to fully trusting you and letting you in.

I want you to grasp how much I value you when I let you in like that.

I could continue to boil things down and give you the core question in the smallest amount of words, but that would leave you continually on the outside of the factory with the majority of people I meet - and you're special to me...so, welcome to the Bookbinder In My Brain, and sorry about all the thought dust you will inhale along the way.

But know that you will be the first (and possibly the only one) to access each finished product.

~ R